What would Joshua Caps do?

Are you ready to rock?

2006-11-16T05:39:34Z

Well, tonight I had an unpleasant revelation. Also, yesterday I realized I am a horrible person, but I'll write about that another time. Someone write that down, remind me.

Tonight Rise Against came to town, and my goodness were their three opening bands horrible. Even worse than the time they brought From Autumn To Ashes (although that's because I skipped most of that set). So I suffered and endured, as I have before for music I enjoy.
They came on, they played, and they themselves were as radiant as ever, with all the energy and ideals that have driven them.

But I realized that I no longer have that sense of belonging and security at their shows as I have had all these years, the support that kept me going for so long. The old age punk ideals of freedom, unity, respect, community, love, and all that rest, that I came up on are not the ideals shared by the waves of new age fans flooding into all the music scenes of the modern day. It wasn't there, I realized that I was possibly one of the only members of the show floor that cared about anyone else there. And as my philosophy insists, I only do things for the reason that I enjoy them. I didn't enjoy it. I mean, I did, I had a good time singing until my voice again gave out, a good time knocking kids all about. But it was so empty, so meaningless, the passion stolen away by the insincerity.

Blink182 got one right. I guess this is growing up.

Although! Oh my, I would go through it all again just for the trendy-ass hardcore kid that dared to threaten me at the beginning of the Rise Against set, oh my. haha. Let's face it, I've been attending punk shows longer than he's been wearing his bandana or girl pants, I'm sure. In fact, I've been to about as many shows in the past two years alone as times he has probably masturbated because outside the downriver scene, nobody has respect for men in women's tight jeans. Anyway, he flips his lid because (remember, we're in a mosh pit) a kid pushed me into him, and we both fell down. As I'm getting up, he grabs me and starts to say something along the lines of "if you ever do that again, I'll somethingsomething kill you.."

I bet it looked like it was working for a second or two. At least until I got on my feet.
I grabbed him, and stared him in the eyes and said a few things to him rather firmly. Then, not only did he back off, but he apologized, hugged me, and I never saw him again.
Kids, don't fuck with me in my element (which includes any punk show with a band I like).

Anyway, point is: I had a good time tonight, but (brace yourselves, everyone who knows me) I don't think I'm ever going back to a Rise Against show. It didn't have the heart that was always there, the community and passion for life that I relied on.
So, Rise Against, it has been a great run, and an absolute pleasure, even as far back as the beginning, talking to you on the street outside the venue when nobody even recognized you off stage. It has been good, and I wish you luck in the future, and I'll probably follow your albums,

But this is your biggest fan signing off.
-Joshua Caps

TO EVERYONE, TO ME

2006-11-02T04:22:00Z

No illness, no sign of life... If we don't stand up who will fight? It's not our destiny to fall in line.

Greetings to you, greetings! How are you, how is life? Please, tell me I wish to know. Even to my fans and enemies who so read this and aren't a part of my friend list, how are YOU? I hope its well, I certainly do, even if I can't be a part of that.

You're in my thoughts. You know that, or you should. You do, you do.

Ahh life, how elaborate it is. All the parties and shows I went to, all the faces that become familiar. All the miles of land I can now call my territory. The ladies I have (or still) adored. The ladies I've kissed. The ladies I haven't. The ladies I didn't kiss enough, I didn't appreciate. The guys that have envied me or respected me. More, the guys that have hated my guts. Probably something to do with a combination of their insecurity or poorness of character, my charisma, and my being close to "their women" (Funny, not one of the bunch I can think of stepped up to resolve the "problem" (regardless of which way)). All the places I've been, things I've learned, threats I've endured and promises I've made. The disappointment and fulfillment. The countless drinks I've had.

despite the bad feelings and thoughts that befall me at times (My emotional stability problem still exists after all), life really is a beautiful and comedic tragedy of intricately woven related circumstances and events and people and places and ideas and feelings. Most people don't give life and the world and existence half as much thought as I, and I guess that is weird of me. But hey, someone has to do it. Oh the stories I can share, the worlds I can create and combine and distribute.

There have been fights, there has been drugs and drinks and sex and violence. I have been betrayed and abandoned, I have been lied to and I have lied, I have learned and taught and experienced. I have been crushed and I have fallen into the depths of passion and pleasure. I have been played and used, I've been suppressed only to rise again. I have fought and won physically, but was still the loser in the end emotionally, psychologically. I have been flattered and admired and respected and helped and protected and welcomed and shunned and danced with and drank with.

How can such a (so far) short run have such a long story?

I'm trying to say that I love you. And I'm trying to say that I hate you. But what's more is that I'm trying to say that I love you. I'm saying that our world is us, and I'm saying we should be it. Why should people of the past only exist in the past? Why should such friends or enemies of yesterday mean nothing today? They got me here, they can get me further.

Tomorrow I want to wake up to something new. Maybe a new me, a new world, a new face or game, new rules, a new opportunity, or maybe even a new perspective or feeling. Maybe I don't want to wake up at all, that'd be new too. Nah.
Alone, you see, you underestimate me. I will decide. I will not fall tonight.
Tomorrow I'll wake up and maybe it will be a poor day, because life has been so pleasant. Pleasant? No, far from, but I've been enjoying it nonetheless. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and see you there, here, anywhere. Maybe that's just what I need. Maybe that's just what I don't. But even if I don't it means I do, oh the complexities.

I'll see you there, I'll see you in the future. Yes, I'm asking you to come along, to not abandon but to embrace. Am I asking you to respond? No, not at all (You know me better than that). But I'd like you there, I'd like you here.

Stay you, stay true, and never stop growing.
-Joshua Caps (and the voice in your heart.)

Ladies and Gentlemen...

2006-10-30T23:29:23Z

We have upon us an exciting time of the year! Yes, we are here once again on the Eve of Hallowmas! Cleverly called "Devil's Night", this is a night worth recognition and pleasure! We are at the dawn of Halloween once again!

Ahh, Halloween.

Halloween is the most special day of the year, is it not? Finally a holiday for us with no christians or martyrs involved, yes. A holiday for us, just the kids who like to get drunk and break stuff. There's no saints involved in Halloween, just the dead, and the dead's party afterwards.

Oh of all, thank you, Mr. Jack Terricloth, for that stunning summary.

May all cheer be ours these days!

Stay you, stay true, and never stop growing.
-Joshua Caps

joshohmygosh @ 2006-10-28T18:10:00

2006-10-28T22:16:17Z

hahah god damnit. well fuck me.
I feel kind of silly now.

anyway, today I experienced far too much a rollercoaster of feelings, down to up real high to down, etc. it's exhausting, makes me kind of irritable.

so what the hell ever happened to a good party? they've all got strings attached these days. and what the hell ever happened to friends? they've all got strings attached these days. and what the hell happened to the world? the strings going every which way keep tripping me.
but there's nothing wrong. 1 million douchebags can't be wrong?

if anyone out there understands, could I please see a show of hands? (just so I know that I'm not insane)

-Josh Caps

joshohmygosh @ 2006-10-25T23:44:00

2006-10-26T03:50:53Z

I like to review my journal entries from this time last year. I mean my actual journal, not my livejournal. The entries are kind of at random, I didn't have a system for when I wrote (nor do I still), so I have to patch in a lot. It's interesting though, to read my own thoughts and be able to reexperience all those feelings that inspired those thoughts. oh what a crazy life mine has been, and it is only so brief yet. although at this point, its still on the general ascent, we haven't hit the climax of a year ago yet, nor the unpleasant falling actions.

it's come to my attention in these last couple years that everything that's happened throughout my life is all connected. looking back, I see all these things leading to other things to other things. there really is something... magical, about life. its certainly not always good, often bad in fact, but it is there. it makes me wonder where I am going.. what could all this insanity be pointing to?

lawrence arms are coming, but I really can't spare the money this time around. maybe next time I get paid, its just before the show. oh, that reminds me, anyone around my new area know of work? don't say taco bell, I know that hah. although, a discount would be nice...
needless to say, I need to find a new means of money soon. we might be not staying in this house due to being poor, let's see if I can prevent that.

joshohmygosh @ 2006-10-21T10:12:00

2006-10-21T14:13:17Z

All wishes of joy for Matthew K on this day!

Happy Birthday

joshohmygosh @ 2006-10-20T23:42:00

2006-10-21T04:11:55Z

about an hour or so ago, I decided I would come and write some stuff, about me and life, recent times, etc.

Then I searched out ways to occupy myself rather than come do it. Now that I am here, I lost most of the awesome details I had planned, so I guess I'll just basically overview stuff:

I had a drink and I had a smoke, I listened to every word you spoke.

spent a good few days just slugging through things, almost a state of indifference. oh goodness I hope that doesn't happen again. with all due respect, I should certainly hate to become like you, humble reader, in all your trivial tendencies and carelessnesses. yes, they was a lash at you. true I don't know exactly who you are, but you probably are currently leading a near meaningless existence, so it is quite probable that my lashes are not missing.
anyway, got off track there XD

k, someone tried and failed to rob me, I lost a lot of sleep and couldn't make it up, drank a good several days, began to develop a taste for cold black coffee. I'm tired of being disappointed by people, oh why must so many of those around me become lame? i still like those that're falling out, but it makes the days so much longer. my sister though, i feel slowly reconnecting with her. oh, I went to an excellent show, oh of the highest class, and shared with my dearest comrades, and much a joy it was. I also met some sexy classy people. my status of unprecedentedly awesome is beginning to construct itself in my new environment, I have so heard. oh and Mr Jack Terricloth himself, in all his drunken splendor, came hand in hand with me. I must surely say it was a good evening, even when we were lost. oh, and I got nominated for a national academic award.

You alone must stand your ground.

josh

joshohmygosh @ 2006-10-17T23:08:00

2006-10-18T03:12:51Z

dear journal,

today at school, pattie mayonaise told me she thinks I am a good person. it made me feel really good. I'll have to keep doing what I'm doing. roger tried to take my lunch money, but luckily mr. bone walked in and roger had to stop. i peed a little. good thing i was in p.e., and i just changed. the beats are playing on friday night, i hope i can win those tickets off the radio, i'll ask pattie to go with me. well, i should get to bed. good night journal.

sincerely,
doug funnie (AKA JOSH CAPS)

p.s. today the universe pitted me against a formidable scrabble player. conclusion unknown, game interrupted. (hail satan.)

joshohmygosh @ 2006-10-15T13:38:00

2006-10-15T17:38:49Z

To the fellows that failed to rob me last night,

Let's not do that again, for risk of making me angry.

-Josh Caps

joshohmygosh @ 2006-10-13T06:59:00

2006-10-13T11:00:57Z

I don't know why yet, but I'm getting the feeling today will be a great day.

Hope the same goes for you

ITS A WHOLE NEW WORLD - update

2006-10-11T23:19:36Z

Note, my dearly beloveds, the slightly modified journal that is my own.

"What would Joshua Caps do?"

It is a question I'm sure you've all pondered at some point, am I right? I am, I am, I'm sure! Forgive me if that sounds conceited.

Well, the point, I suppose, of all this is to remind you that you can ask me! :D Imagine! A world in which you can know what I would do! But the catch is you have to ask :P

anyway, uhh. World/Inferno next thursday, I am stoked. The Bouncing Souls and Streets Dogs will be fun too, of course.
Going out to Marty's tonight, forgive me if I do not feel so classy tomorrow!
(Thank you, Marty, you are loved.
I am glad I am a fantastic drunk driver.)

Farewell to you!

joshohmygosh @ 2006-10-10T00:15:00

2006-10-10T04:16:33Z

well, well, well, life you have thrown me the unexpected surprise of a great day.

oh, I would like to add that The Unseen's version of Mike Jackon's "Beat it" off So This Is Freedom? is incredible.

never could get the hang of saturdays- Revisited

2006-10-08T04:42:04Z

speaking of the subject, I haven't had a good saturday morning in at least a month and a half, today was no different. but it got good come evening, much love to the two of you. haha, and I stole a stop sign for my friend. almost got caught, hid behind a brick wall luckily.

I'm sad though. Why? you ask. Well, I'll tell you, one reason anyway. Tonight came and I wanted to do some drinking, its been a while, and people have been real shitty lately. Yeah, just about everyone of you hasn't been dependable for me. So I got back, and I jumped into my whiskey, but it went, and it was not enough to suffice. but, I have no means of getting more right now.

talk about a cocktease.

I also find myself feeling kind of lonely lately, the old selfish desire for companionship. its not constant, I'm generally feeling good, but now and again it nips at me. fucking asshole. although really, I wouldn't mind, if I had more booze.

shit. next time I get paid, I need to make an investment, for the next time this happens.

The polar bears said "What's up?"

________________________

Now, more sober:

I'm finding myself feeling more and more closed in everyday, like entrapping walls getting closer (think Star Wars), and it makes me feel claustrophobic, anxious, hopeless. Not all of course (a few of them are cooler than ever, thankfully), but many of my older friends are getting lame, whether it be some new drug craze they are a part of or they are just getting impatient and obnoxious, or they've skewed the relations we had. Whichever, it leaves me less people to entrust. My parents.. well, let's face it, I know more about the world and living well than they do. I know they care, of course, and mom does provide me with a place to live, so I'm grateful. but, my dad, though highly skill technologically, is miserable with life and unmotivated, and isn't interested in anything I do. Mom has to work a lot, spends her free time escaping reality, and lacks some memory and sensibility because of it, oblivious to the alienation I'm already subjected to in the house. My sister is cool, I have always respected her, but she is, in her own development, becoming focused on herself (which is important, yeah, but not at the disregard to the world around you). Brother, well, he's getting cooler, but still a ways to go.

I'm just running out of options, places to turn. My favorite activity has become school haha. I need something, anything! Journal do you hear me? I need someone... a companion, new friends, something. or I might never make it to college, which I've already been accepted to. I feel this piling up, this loneliness, and I feel my old impulses trying to set in again, and rediscover that the world CAN put up a fight.

In other news, World/Inferno Friendship Society is coming very soon. I doubt I've crossed a better band in all my days.

p.s. I really wouldn't mind some more booze though. hah

joshohmygosh @ 2006-10-02T19:07:00

2006-10-02T23:09:42Z

I'm crazy, alone and my sleep is haunted by my dreams. Years of my life are blurred by booze and head trauma, I'm immune to the addiction of tobacco, I exercise daily and I constantly finish second. I'm underweight and sometimes I randomly feel like puking, and I can't stop smiling.

Welcome to life, they said. Welcome, and watch your head.

The silence can be kind

2006-10-01T07:37:55Z

I am a whirlwind of the calmest nature. I am passion and thought, joy and anger. I am peace and violence, I am the meeting of nothing and everything, where the darkness meets the light. Creation and destruction. I'm the guy you'd trust and confide in during hard times, though also the one that would beat the hell out of your boyfriend for that "one" terrible thing he did to you. I am an artist of words and style, the emobodiment of all generations past. I could sit down with you and talk about life in such a way it blows your mind, and for so long you get mentally tired from it. Then I could hit a party and outdrink you. A man of grace and wisdom, of mystery and familiarity. I am your worst fear and your best aspiration, the harshest scream and most piercing silence. I am your greatest pleasure and greatest pain.

Can you feel this truth now unraveling?

joshohmygosh @ 2006-09-23T14:35:00

2006-09-23T18:48:07Z

Yesterday was an amazing day, I had a great time. you know if you were part of that (though I'll drop Ron's name because he is a good guy I am glad I have met). I was so full of life, of passion and enthusiasm, and it felt liberating to be so much more alive than the world wants me to be.
I put away all of my fears and just lived pleasantly... fear of awkwardness, fear of rejection, of being caught, of being caught breaking the law, of the haunting memories that would resurface by talking about the ghost of my past, of getting ill, of being responsible, of getting hurt, of getting lost, of getting killed, of health problems, of being outperformed. it was good.
poetry in parking lots, paint on walls, dancing in abandoned buildings, ice cream. good times.

today, though, not as much. started rough, continued rough, has begun improving. even so, things seem to be crumbling, the world is sure striking hard. my car isn't so well, my school is trying to expel me (for their mistake, I defend), money is getting tighter, my mom's worklife is worsening and she has to now defend her job, my dad's house is even worse, all the pressure to have a success in the family is on me, and my mind is tormenting me. I need to drink a lot, so that I can rid this bad day of me and start with another good one tomorrow.
there are a couple parties tonight, but they're kind of stupid, so I'm not sure where I'm going yet.

through and through, this is a perfect example of the up-and-down manner with which my life conducts itself. its hard to handle, the up and down.

anyway, I need to take a shower. I just wanted to say:
"Thank you for yesterday!"
and
"Fuck the world for today."

peace,love,respect
-Josh Caps

joshohmygosh @ 2006-09-20T23:11:00

2006-09-21T03:23:29Z

all right, here it is in plain english:

there's this girl I've liked a while, but I've been outperformed, not getting into details with any of it, ask personally if you really must know.
but that's okay, I figure to myself quietly, I have recently been thrown into a new environment, and I'll make things work. as assumed, I took quite a liking to a girl I met, but, alas she is unavailable- of course. haha.

k, no more talks in the water, that's what it is.

in other news, I am just about mentally tapped out tonight. I need to hurry and achieve, so that I may rest before I start getting crazy and irrational.

I am anxious for the no-sleep marathon a few fine gents I know have planned. basically just an endless staying awake, until there is only one still awake, I guess. Its been a little while since I was an insomniac now, but I feel confident nonetheless. maybe I should get some cash for coffee, just in case. you can live off that stuff, just not healthy.

smoothie king is unbelievable. so is GRANOLA TIME!

I would like to drink soon, I think I will. why? you ask. well, it just sounds fun, not to go out destructive, just to chill and enjoy, you feel? I need to shave. I was randomly inspired to write a poem yesterday, oh these crazy feelings of mine.

I CANNOT DO THE WALTZ, BUT I CAN SURE KICK YOUR ASS AND DO HOUSEHOLD THINGS, SUCH AS CLEAN AND COOK!!

_______________________
_JOSHUA SMASH CAPS__

joshohmygosh @ 2006-09-17T23:42:00

2006-09-18T03:47:24Z

haha, so, I found you in a dream again. its funny we keep meeting this way.

I remember the dream clearly, but I don't have any idea what it is we were doing. it was an adventure of sorts, for sure. who were we with? I don't know. what were we doing? no idea. those were just random details created by my mind, I think.

haha, why was it necessary to travel through the dangerous crack house? I couldn't tell you, but we did. good seeing you again, even if I didn't.

how should I start off tomorrow? I think this sounds good. start norm: get up, get some clothes of sorts, exercise. but then.. I'm thinking... bowl of remaining Life, some OJ, and Hostess Ding Dongs. what do you all think? haha, I know I know, I said Ding Dong. grow up.

Dear Pretty Girl,

don't keep me away anymore, please? K? K. :)

Love, Josh

Stay true!
peace,love,respect
-Joshua Caps

joshohmygosh @ 2006-09-12T23:10:00

2006-09-13T03:16:24Z

attention students of Lincoln Park High School:

I, Joshua Caps (sometimes referred to as Josh Walinsky), am going to be a guest at your 2007 Homecoming... uh... Dance?.. Dance. I am going to be a guest at your 2007 homecoming dance thing. I look forward to seeing you there, unless 1) you are a fucking dick, or 2) you're cool but not going.

also, though it is just talk in the water, I have publically expressed interest in attending your prom thing too, rather than mine. Assuming I decide to, and I can come up with the cash, I will be faced with the decision of a date. Ladies, this means you, sorry fellows. But again, this is not final yet.

Lastly and unrelated, my friends are very good to me. also, I hate it when I "like-like" people, fuck that feeling. lastly, for real, I have more to update, but I am losing interest quickly. ohh curse my preoccupation.

peace,love,respect

Josh Caps

joshohmygosh @ 2006-09-11T22:44:00

2006-09-12T02:46:08Z

It's amazing what your world can become just by the people you bring in and keep out.
I have had a great last few days, and thanks to many of you for that. you know who you are, because I probably tried to make out with you. ... ... hahah, no, no I didn't, I refrained.
anyway, I appreciate the love

although, it's also amazing how fast everything turns grey when you drop your guard.
ohh Julie's gift to me is sure tasting like a good idea tonight...

joshohmygosh @ 2006-09-06T23:26:00

2006-09-07T03:28:44Z

I feel good about the way things are going right now.

thrown into the happenings of a new place, I find myself truly understanding how unlike-everyone-else I am. friendly faces or unknown, I realize that my place is not to be a part of them.

I lost a scrabble game tonight and, ironically, I couldn't be more thrilled. Oh do I enjoy the challenge.

Farewell February 23rd, 2005. I am finally letting you go. Not that I want to forget the excellent times of that day and before, but it is a necessary change, for work, for development, for life. currently. the symbol itself can be reproduced, I'll just never get back the connection (but it will stay in my head forever).

p.s. new thing starting? there might be. you know, aside from my learning kick.

joshohmygosh @ 2006-08-31T23:14:00

2006-09-01T03:15:28Z

:D

I... really can't say. but if I could, imagine how sweet it would be!

oh, and I am the Lord of Scrabble. so far. against you.

joshohmygosh @ 2006-08-30T23:35:00

2006-08-31T03:35:53Z

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.

joshohmygosh @ 2006-08-29T01:32:00

2006-08-29T05:40:12Z

Over the last few days, I have learned several important lessons:

I can cook, and so I should.

The past is bitter about being left behind.

Under no circumstances should I consider myself at all similar to anyone else I know.

It should never be assumed that ANYONE - at ANY time - can drink at the same rate and tolerance as me (for their safety).

When going out, my knife alone is not enough to get back in. Keys are necessary for re-entry here.

Truth is an aspect of perception.

Sleep IS good for efficiency of character.

every now and then I have internet,

see you in the future.

joshohmygosh @ 2006-08-25T00:17:00

2006-08-25T04:19:23Z

despite my latest emo-oriented entries

i still LOVE the punk scene. the best tunes, the best people to be around.. to talk to, to party withg

hell yes